When a Parent Dies - Managing Your Grief While Supporting Your Surviving Parent

In this article:

How to grieve: Understanding the loss of a parent

Too distracted to grieve

Grieving vs. mourning

Everyone’s grief is unique

Supporting a surviving parent

When grief feels overwhelming

Allowing yourself time to heal

Moving forward after dealing with the death of a parent

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

When Kate McCullough’s father died suddenly from a heart attack at age 72, it hit her harder than she ever imagined. Not only was it unexpected — he was more fit than she was, she says — her dad, a renowned family physician and geriatrician, had just attended the premature birth of her second son two months earlier.

Shock, and the first hours of grief

“I lost my mind,” says McCullough, an only child who lives in Seattle. “I lay on the floor and screamed.” Once the initial shock subsided, McCullough scrambled to board a flight with her newborn and was at her mother’s home in Vermont within nine hours.

Two very different responses to the same loss

Her mother, Pamela Harrison, a poet who was with her husband when he collapsed to the floor that morning after raising his arms to stretch, reacted differently. “She was very calm, very thoughtful,” says McCullough. “We both got a sadness in our faces that never left, but Mom likes to keep busy. She immediately started sorting the house. For her, that is solace.”

Coping with grief while supporting a parent

In the many months since her father’s death in 2016, McCullough discovered how challenging it was to manage her own grief while supporting her mother, and how different their grief journeys were.

Their individual responses to the loss opened the door to a deeper conversation about how to deal with the death of a parent and how to truly grieve over them.

How to grieve: Understanding the loss of a parent

Losing a parent is an emotionally complex experience. It can be difficult to know what to say when someone dies, especially to the surviving parent. Understanding the grief process and acknowledging the many emotions that arise can help in processing this painful experience. Each person’s grieving process is unique, and it’s important to allow yourself the space and time to navigate through it.

Too distracted to grieve

After the loss of a parent, life’s demands can distract us and complicate grief, leaving us unsure about how to deal with the loss of a parent.

McCullough traveled regularly to be with her mother that first year, but she was barely hanging on. “I fell off the deep end,” she says. Her grief only added to the challenges in her life. She quit her job, went through a hysterectomy for health reasons, had to move her family into a hotel after a flood, and was struggling to find interest in parenting.

Being There for a Surviving Parent — at a Cost

Still, she felt it was important to be with her mother. “I felt better being of assistance, even though each trip was really hard. We were also trying to sort out how to work together,” she says. “There was a huge amount of love, but also a lot of stress.”

McCullough’s situation is not uncommon, says Patti Anewalt, director of Pathways Center for Grief & Loss, Hospice & Community Care in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Anewalt hears similar stories from adults in her organization’s Loss of Parent support group. “They talk about struggling to find time to grieve the parent who died because they are distracted or consumed by the grief of their surviving parent.”

Why Adult Children Still Need Space to Grieve

It’s essential that adult children find time to grieve, says Diane Snyder Cowan, director of Western Reserve Grief Services in Cleveland. “The death of a parent can rock our foundation. Whether 5 years old or 50, we have the illusion that our parents will be here forever. Knowing they will one day die does not diminish the pain and soul-searching that is experienced when they do.”

Grieving vs. mourning

When coping with loss, the words grief and mourning may be used interchangeably, but they have distinct meanings and can manifest in different ways.

While grieving is important, so too is the act of mourning, says Anewalt. “Grief is the reaction you have to loss, but mourning is what you do with those grief reactions,” she says. “Everyone needs to mourn in order to adapt to all the changes that accompany the loss of a parent. What you need to do may be different from what your siblings, friends, or even the surviving parent may need to do to mourn this major change.”

When family members mourn in different ways

Indeed, in this regard McCullough was quite different from her mother. “The first year I couldn’t say the word ‘die.’ She wanted to talk about everything all the time, how he died, over and over,” she says. “I didn’t want to talk about the details.” Even photos were too much. “Mom had this blown up picture of him from the memorial. I couldn’t escape or turn a corner without a new devotion to Dad somewhere.”

Feeling isolated while a parent has support

While her mother was surrounded by longtime friends, McCullough was feeling increasingly isolated, and even lost friends. “People would ask if Mom is moving to Seattle,” she says. “I’d say, ‘No! She has more friends than I do.’ It would have been a disservice to her to move her somewhere without support. She had a big community in Vermont and New Hampshire and nothing besides us here.”

The hidden cost of being "the strong one"

Although McCullough eventually found support with a therapist and close friends, which allowed her to grieve at her own pace, she admits that early on she tried to be strong for her mother. “It’s hard to recognize when you’re taking on someone else’s grief. Taking on too much for someone in terms of stoic strength just delays your own healing,” she says. “I was pretty keen on delaying mine.”

Why sharing your grief can help the whole family

According to Anewalt, when an adult child tries to be “the strong one,” everyone grieves in isolation. It’s better to be open with your parent, saying something like: “I’m having a really hard time with this,” or “I can’t believe this is happening,” she says. “Admitting that you are struggling invites other family members to do the same. In this way, you can better support each other rather than feel so alone.”

Everyone’s grief is unique

In coping with the death of a parent, people may not experience grief in the same way. It’s a natural response to feel overwhelming sadness, while others may feel shock, disbelief, numbness, anger or even guilt.

Accepting the grief looks different for everyone

When McCullough stepped in to help her mother with all the overwhelming financial and household tasks her father always took care of — from figuring out passwords to locating six different checkbooks — she made sure to work with her mother rather than take over. “Mom’s system is a million scraps of paper all over,” says McCullough, who has a different organizational style. “I didn’t do it for her. I helped with simple systems. In my first visit, we started calling credit cards, banks, the lawyer and financial advisor. She was hungry for information.”

Offering help without taking control

Anewalt says other ways adult children can tend to their grief is by connecting with people who knew their parent to share stories, memories and pictures of favorite experiences. Rituals can also be helpful. “It may be as simple as lighting a candle in their memory or creating a special place in your home with pictures and mementos to use for a time of reflection,” she says.

Finding comfort through connection with rituals

One ritual that worked for both McCullough and her mother despite different grief styles was their evening phone chats. Her mother craved conversation at night before she went to bed. Yet nighttime was the time McCullough least felt like talking about her father. With their three-hour time difference and her mother’s early bedtime, McCullough says, “It was fine. Night for her was 3 p.m. here.”

Anewalt offers a piece of advice for both the adult child and the surviving parent: “Get outdoors and breathe in the fresh air. Give yourself permission to have fun and take a break from grieving.”

Giving yourself permission to pause and recharge

Nearly four years after her father’s death, McCullough says of her journey that she wouldn’t change a thing. As for her mother, “She’s writing up a storm,” McCullough says. “Pulling out work from 30 years ago that needed ‘dusting off.’ She is flourishing.”

Supporting a surviving parent

Supporting a surviving parent through grief can be an act of deep love, but it doesn't come with a rulebook. People may mourn differently, and it can be meaningful to your surviving parent to offer patience, presence, and a willingness to follow their lead.

• Honor how they grieve. There is no right or wrong way to mourn. If your parent finds comfort in speaking to their deceased spouse or needs extra time before making decisions, let them set the pace.

• Help them lean on others. Encourage your parent to communicate clearly to friends and family what is helpful and what is not, so their support system knows how to show up for them in the ways that matter most.

• Watch their overall well-being. Grief can take a real physical toll. Keep an eye on whether your parent is eating, resting, and moving their body, and suggest a support group or counselor if they need more help than family can provide.

• Remember that your grief matters too. Adult children may suppress their own emotions to stay strong for a surviving parent, but carrying that burden alone can lead to burnout. Leaning on siblings, family members, or close friends, and making time for your own healing through journaling, counseling or quiet reflection may be helpful.

• Communicate openly with each other. Your grief and your parent's grief may look very different. Honest conversations about what each of you needs during this time can help foster mutual understanding and bring you closer together.

Allowing yourself time to heal

One important gift you can give yourself after losing a parent is permission to heal at your own pace. Some days you may feel capable and grounded; others may bring sudden, unexpected waves of sadness. Both can be a natural part of the journey.

There is no correct way to grieve, and no set timeline for mourning. Allowing yourself to honor what you are feeling can create the space you may need to begin to recover. Grief can be deeply personal, and healing can happen gradually, in its own time and in its own way.

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

1. Should I encourage my parent to talk about their feelings?

Yes. Invite the conversation, but don’t force it if they don’t feel ready. Sometimes, it’s enough just to be there and help them as needed.

2. How long does grief last when a parent dies?

Everyone processes grief differently, so the amount of time varies. The most intense grief may occur shortly after the death and might lessen with time.

3. When should you seek grief counseling or support groups?

If intense grief lasts more than six months or your daily functioning is severely disrupted. Get immediate help if you or your parent has thoughts of self-harm, substance abuse or isolation.

Sources:

(1) Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, What Is Complicated Grief?, 2025.

(2) SAMHSA, Coping With Bereavement and Grief, November 25, 2024.